


Decision

by goldensnitch18



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 20:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8682490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldensnitch18/pseuds/goldensnitch18
Summary: As Halloween approaches and he continues to question Remus' loyalty, Sirius is forced to make a terrible decision that will have even more terrible consequences.





	

The home that Lily and James had made in Godric’s Hollow was beautiful. They had decorated for the upcoming holiday even though very few people were able to get to the house these days. 

 

James tried to keep things ‘normal’ for Harry and Lily, but there wasn’t much normal about being locked inside your house every day because you feared for the life of your one-year-old son. In fact, there wasn’t much normal about any of their lives these days. 

 

Peter’s father had been killed the year before and his mother had taken her own life only a month before. Peter was struggling. Every time Sirius saw his small friend, he worried more and more about him. He believed that some time as the rat would help him. Peter had always enjoyed his time in his animagi form. It seemed to calm him in a way that none of them ever could. When things would get hard at school, Sirius had known that he would transform and hide in the walls with the other rats at the school. He needed that. It was cathartic to him and Sirius’ plan would help him in the long run. He knew Peter would agree to it. 

 

Remus was always gone. He was always doing something for the Order. Sirius preferred it that way. He tried hard for James and Lily, but he couldn’t stand to be around his furry friend since, well, since Marlene.

 

It had been Harry’s first birthday. Remus and Marlene were working together on something for Dumbledore, something that Sirius wasn’t to be privy to. They did this often. They were both brilliant and Dumbledore seemed to trust them with things that he didn’t trust with others. Sirius had needed to keep his mind off the thoughts of her out there doing Merlin knows what with Remus while he hid, and so he had gone to Lily and James’ house to celebrate. 

 

He had already been there in Godric’s Hollow by the time the owl arrived from Remus. It said that Marlene had received a Patronus Remus didn’t recognise before she had gone off on her own. Remus was searching for her, but he wanted to know if Sirius had any ideas. Sirius had wanted to go to find her immediately, but James had stopped him. “You have to trust her,” he had said. 

 

Trust. They fought about that entirely too often and James knew it. His best mate knew the exact words to get Sirius to stay. Sirius had trusted all of three people before Marlene had dug her way into his soul, and even then it had taken years for him to understand that she loved him and she wasn't going anywhere.

 

And, so, he had waited anxiously in Godric’s Hollow for news. When it came, he wasn’t at all ready for it. Lily had tried. He couldn’t deny that. She had made dinner and opened the broom that he’d bought for Harry. They had all laughed while they watched him fly, but their smiles were forced and their joy was clouded.

 

As they were finishing the cake, a knock on the door startled them. Sirius went to open it. He was the first line of defence. If it was an enemy James would get Lily and Harry out. They would have a small chance that way. 

 

When he opened the door, Sirius knew. Remus’ eyes were bloodshot and his wand arm was shaking. His haggard robes were hanging down, dripping water on Lily’s doormat. He didn’t need the words, but they came anyway. “There was nothing we could do. Gone. Ash.” 

 

Ash. 

 

Gone. 

 

“You were supposed to be protecting her!” Sirius had roared, barely holding in his fury. He launched himself at Remus and the pair stumbled backward down the path, their feet clumsy and unsteady. Remus tried to right himself, but Sirius pushed on, his hands reaching for his friends throat. Remus’ back hit the mud first followed by Sirius’ elbow and then his knee. Sirius had something clenched in one hand and the other had formed a fist and was hitting anything it could reach. Remus was trying to stop him and somewhere in the back of his mind he knew this, but he just kept swinging. He heard screaming, a woman, Lily, and then James was wrapping his arms around his chest and pulling him back. 

 

Sirius thrashed against his best friend, screaming at the darkness that was swallowing him. He could hear Lily choking on her sobs and then she had her arms around him and she was falling into the mud with him as James let go. “No, no, no, no,” Lily said over and over, and Sirius fell into the same rhythm, repeating the word with her.

 

No. 

 

No. 

 

No. 

 

Not her. 

 

Not Marlene. 

 

Anyone else. 

 

In that moment, he was sure Dementors were surrounding him and Lily, pulling on his soul from all directions.

 

Not Marlene. 

 

There had been so many nights that the only thing he had to hold onto was her. It had started in their third year in the most unexpected of ways. He’d gotten an owl from his mother about Dromeda. It had simply said, “Andromeda Black has been removed from the tapestry.” She hadn’t even signed it. Honestly, she hadn’t needed to. He knew what it meant. He would never see Andromeda again. He would never speak to her. He would never hear her laugh or have her wink conspiratorially at him across the table. She would never hold him with one arm over his shoulders while she promised him in hushed whispers that there wasn’t anything wrong with them for not being like the rest of their family. 

 

Sirius had looked over at Narcissa. Her mouth had been parted and her eyes sad as she stared down at the sheet of parchment in front of her. He would be very surprised if she had been given any more information than him. As if she had felt his eyes on her, she had looked up at him. For one small moment he had seen his pain reflected back at him, and then she had broken the gaze and put the parchment in her pocket. She smiled at a friend across the table. “It’s nothing.” Sirius saw her lips say. 

 

Nothing. 

 

He cried that afternoon. He took that parchment and went to the last place anyone would expect to find him, and he cried silently into his arms. “Sirius?” Marlene’s soft voice had broken through his silent sobs. He had rubbed his face on the sleeves of his robes and refused to look at her. 

 

“'m fine,” he told her, and it all came out as one sound. He thought she might have gone when he didn’t hear movement for a few moments, but then she was sitting down next to him. He leaned his head against the bookshelf he had been resting against and her small hands had settled on the arm closest to her. She didn’t say anything for a long time. She just sat there next to him. One of her hands eventually moved to his back and she rubbed circles into his robes as he tried to control his breathing. 

 

Once he felt like his voice would be normal if he had to speak, he handed her the crumpled parchment. She took her hands back from him to smooth it against her knees. He stared ahead at the dark corner of the library he had hidden in. 

 

“Oh.” He looked over at her word of surprise. She was looking at him, her blue eyes sparkling in the light of the candle on the wall above them. He felt his stomach clench and he was suddenly incredibly embarrassed that she had found him crying. “This is your cousin, right?” she asked, and he nodded. “I’m sorry.” She knew what it meant. Her entire family was magical.

 

“Don’t tell anyone, okay?” he whispered, and she frowned. 

 

“Of course, I won’t tell anyone.” She seemed deeply put out that he even thought he had to say this. 

 

“Not even Lily,” he continued, and she turned a bit pink. 

 

“Oh, well, okay. Not even Lily.” She nodded this time and bit her lip. “Are you going to be okay, Sirius?” 

 

“Yeah. I’ll be fine,” he wiped at his face again as surreptitiously as possible, and then pushed himself up from the floor. “Gotta go,” he told her and then he had left. 

 

Somehow Remus and James had drug him in from the mud and the grass and out of Lily’s arms after they had both stopped crying. He sat in the kitchen while James dried and cleaned him while Remus made them both a cup of tea. Sirius couldn’t look at him. He should have been there. He should have protected her, stopped her, done whatever he had to. 

 

He’d stayed there that night, not able to go home and face the smell of her shampoo on his pillows or her mug still sitting on the counter. The next night he had spent with a bottle and so many nights after that. James would have pulled him out if it had been the old days, before the Fidelius Charm and Voldemort and Death Eaters and murder. James would have drunk with him until he was pissed and then tucked him into bed, but James couldn’t leave his house and Remus had … 

 

He knew there was a snitch. They all did. They knew the Order had a spy that was passing information to the other side. Surely that was what had happened to Marlene. Her parents had been guarded and moved often. It was well known that Voldemort wanted them, but they didn’t want him. They were good people. The best kind of witch and wizard in Sirius’ book and they had raised Marlene to be the kind of woman that could look at Sirius Black and see something worth loving. He’d often worried that his relationship with her had made them targets, especially after Regulus had joined up with them, but Regulus was two years dead. 

 

Sirius and Marlene had been sitting on the sofa when the knock at the door had come that time. Her feet were on his lap and she was reading from one of her old Hogwarts books while he listened to a Quidditch game on the wireless. His thumbs were working into the bottom of her feet and his attention was starting to wander from the game that was all but officially over. He had slid one hand up her long, perfect leg when they heard the knocking. Sirius had groaned as he stood up and Marlene had smiled and shook her head. 

 

Sirius had pulled open the door to see Remus standing there, a sad look on his face. “Are you okay?” 

 

Remus had pushed his way past Sirius and into the living room. Sirius started to shut the door behind him, but it was stopped by a foot. “Hey, Padfoot, shutting me out again?” James had smiled, but it hadn’t reached his eyes. Peter stood behind him, staring down at the floor while he held a bottle of firewhiskey. 

 

Marlene had sat up to make room for the Marauder’s but it wasn’t necessary. They three of them sat on the floor and Sirius followed them, his back against the sofa. Marlene ran a reassuring hand through his hair. “What is it?” Sirius asked them, and he stared at James. James, in turn, gave Remus a long look. 

 

Remus sighed. “I was talking with Dumbledore. Regulus hasn’t been seen for four months.” 

 

Sirius had let go of Regulus years before that night. He had tried for so long to hold on to him, to be a good big brother, but in the end, it was better for Reggie if he let him go. Reggie had been the perfect heir and Sirius had been the traitor. It was hard to keep up a relationship once they both accepted their roles. When he had found out that Regulus’ path had led him to the Death Eaters, Sirius had raged about his parents and his family to Marlene for days while she patiently held him, reassuring him in her soft voice that it wasn’t his fault. 

 

Remus’ words took the wind out of Sirius. He leaned over and his head fell into his hands. Death Eaters only went missing for one reason, they were dead. 

 

“They think …” Remus continued and then paused as if deciding whether or not to tell Sirius the rest. 

 

“What?” Marlene asked, her palm finding Sirius’ back to rub small circles there. 

 

“They think he tried to get out and they killed him.” 

 

Sirius let out a long breath he hadn’t realised he was holding and a small sob landed at the end of it. He managed to stifle whatever would have come after it. Peter’s knuckles touched his hand and Sirius looked up at a small glass of Firewhiskey. He took it from his friend and drained it, throwing his head back. He felt Marlene’s hand tighten on him and knew that she wasn’t going to like what happened next. 

 

“Give me another,” he told Peter, and the small wizard took the glass to oblige him. 

 

“I’m going to bed,” Marlene whispered into his ear and kissed him softly underneath his lobe. “I love you. I'm sorry.” 

 

“Night, Marley,” James told her, briefly grabbing her hand. 

 

“Take care of him,” she threw him a dark look and pointed her finger at the three wizards. 

 

“We will,” they swore. 

 

And, they had. Sirius had drank so much that nothing after Marlene had gone to bed made the cut to long term memory, but he had woken the next morning on the sofa with Prongs sleeping feet away in the armchair. Marlene was making bacon. None of them had never talked about Regulus again. 

 

Once Marlene had died, Sirius had had little reason to go out and little drive to be anything to anyone, but he made himself visit Harry. Those moments with that toddler bouncing on his knee or scooting around on his play broom were the best he had. He tried not to let the despair into those moments, and some days were better than others. 

 

Losing Marlene had been hard on Lily also. She wasn’t the same. None of them were the same, but Lily’s smiles were more forced and her eyes were often red and puffy when Sirius showed up. Neither one of them knew what to say. They just coexisted in their misery and their longing for Marlene, fiance and best friend. 

 

As he stood outside the door of the Potter’s house that night in October, Sirius’ thoughts were dark and his plan was terrible. The thought of saying it out loud was beyond treachery.

 

The Marauders. 

 

Four of them. 

 

The perfect friends. 

 

Love. 

 

Trust. 

 

Family. 

 

James, Remus, and Peter had always been more family to him than anyone else, but now … 

 

Now, Sirius needed to do something terrible. 

 

Remus always seemed the one who knew the terrible things, never was around, and had secrets he couldn’t share. 

 

Was it a coincidence? Was he just poor Remus, their smart, silly, tame werewolf? Or were they too stupid to open their eyes and see what had always been there? Remus was their friend, their dependable, loyal friend, but Moony? 

 

Sirius had seen Moony at his very worst, seen the hunger for blood hiding behind golden eyes. Sirius knew the stories. He'd grown up hearing about werewolves, things that made skin crawl and throats swell with fear. He knew what Moony was capable if given the chance. 

 

What if they had been wrong all along? 

 

What if the snitch, the tear in the fabric of the Order was Moony? 

 

He'd been gone so much lately, always on “mission for Dumbledore.”

 

He'd let Marlene die. 

 

He'd let her just leave, run after an unfamiliar Patronus, which had happened to be her mother's, and then let her die, slaughtered like an animal with her parents in her childhood home. 

 

He wondered if Remus had been there. 

 

What if he watched those bastards kill the best person Sirius had ever known? 

 

There was no way James would believe it. For all of James’ wonderful traits, there was a counterpart. He was trusting, but he'd never lived the way Sirius had. He'd never had people in his own home conspire behind his back. James was trusting yes, but Sirius would even say too trusting. 

 

Remus knew that Sirius would be the secret keeper. He knew that James trusted him above all of his friends, above even Dumbledore. That needed to change. Sirius knew that he had a target on his head and the best thing to do was change the secret keeper to someone that wouldn’t even be on Voldemort’s radar. Someone that was nearly always overlooked when compared to James, Remus, and Sirius. Someone that they trusted with their lives. Someone that hadn’t let his fiance die. 

 

Sirius lifted his hand and knocked. His heart felt heavy as he waited. 

 

The door opened moments later and Lily was standing there, Harry on her hip. “Sssruss.” The toddler cried loudly, launching himself at his godfather. Sirius stretched out his arms to catch the boy and tossed him into the air before catching him. 

 

“Harry!” he exclaimed loudly and the boy giggled as Sirius kissed his cheek. 

 

He looked back at Lily and she was smiling softly at her son. She looked exhausted. 

 

“We need to talk,” he told her. “It’s important.” And it was. Their lives could depend on it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts :) 
> 
> Meg


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